By. Dr. Susan Lucas
Caterpillar
We are able now. We have grown, and we know what is expected of us out of life. We have grown reasoning faculties. We see caterpillars everywhere. There are old caterpillars, young caterpillars, middle aged caterpillars, and dying caterpillars. We all look similar, yet our hearts distinguish us from one another. Maybe we shall remain this way forever. But, that would be a curse because we want so much more.
So we ask our parents the forbidden question: “Who am I?”. And they respond by telling us what they desire us to be instead of who we are. Years pass, and we forget that the question exists. We rush off to our schools, and the days are just like all the rest. An instructor teaches a lesson that nobody cares about. Textbooks are used as pillows, and windows are observed as dreamscapes, portals to an outside world where everybody is happy and clarity is felt far and wide. Yet, when it rains, I cling to my umbrella tightly because I realize that even the outside world has its harsh moments. Then in the most unexpected moments, we do a favour for someone and they return to us a smile. A smile that pierces through our heart and gives us a sense of happiness and peace. We have a realization that power, happiness, and bliss can only come from making others smile. Somewhere far away, unbeknownst to us, Ayn Rand clutches her fist in disapproval, and Lord Krishna frowns. We dance in the streets, racing home into the arms of our parents, into the arms of society, into the arms of the world. We embrace a new philosophy: Selflessness. And, thus, we make it a mission to lose ourselves, to live unselfishly, so that we may live for the world. We live to make others smile, we live for the peoples’ contentment, and we care not to forever be butterflies.
We drown ourselves in Emerson’s words when he preaches that we must lose the self. Suddenly, we become transparent eyeballs reflecting the currents of the universe. There is no more you, there is no more I, there is only Us. There is only mankind. There is only one name, one nation indivisible under God. There is only One. The most wretched place, we are taught, for the heart to exist is inside of our chest. So, we place our heart in the hands of humanity, and we give it to them so that we may live up to the ideals expected of us. Mother and father will be proud of us, because they gave birth to us to live the life they could never live, the life they always dreamed of. Who are we to wrong their wishes? Sometimes, in the quietest of moments, we feel a thumping in our chest but we quickly ignore it because there are other duties to be fulfilled. We have a world to please. “One day, I will become a doctor, and the world will finally accept me”, said the boy. ”One day, I will become head of the clinic, and the world will finally accept me”, said the doctor. So, we race onward! Yet, our souls cry on the inside as they die. It is a sin to have soul, we are taught, because a soul is what makes us different. And differences causes chaos amongst society. We must live for the people, by the people, from the people.
The Pursuit of Power
We burn to answer the question, “Who am I?”, but as a response we only learn what it is to burn. No longer, no more. We are nothing. We are reflections of the universal, like Thoreau. We are part and parcel of the whole like Emerson. Days pass by, stars lose their glimmer, and food becomes bland, for who are we without our people? We are nothing. The anger builds up, and we return to religion. We are taught that to live for God is holy, yet to die for God is akin to the divinity of Christ. So, Johnny clutched a bible in one hand and a gun in the other. It is off to war to fight for God, to fight for religion. And we were taught to congregate, so that our God may be pleased with us. And we were taught that our God could be the only god worthy of worship, and all other worshippers of other Gods were sinners against humanity. It was at that moment that we realized all of Humanity was not to be pleased. Only some of humanity was to be pleased- the part that shared our views and values of God- , and the rest should be slain. So we went to war alongside Johnny, and we killed thousands. We killed in the name of the Lord, and we laughed at our childhood memories of scratching horizons with our nails because it was at this moment that we realized that even a bullet could not travel that far. We learned that bullets were made only to kill. And, to kill in the name of our Lord was holy. Laughable were the times of our childhood when we felt different, when we felt unique. The reality is that there are those who are with us, and there are those who are not. And those are not with us, even if they are not against us either, should be defeated. With each death, we grow more powerful. Watch as the world smiles back at us for the good we have done! We feel as though we have accomplished much, but why is it that we cannot sleep at night?
We became a doctor, we became what our parents desired us to be. We established a name, we established respect, and society should happily accept us now. We have all the riches in the world, we have killed in the name of God, we have become more powerful than the mightiest kings of Rome, we have servants, and we have associates. We would like to call these associates friends, but there is a sycophantic air around them that instils distrust within our bones. But, such a feeling is effervescent, and we can barely notice s because we have not had a friend in so many years that we have forgotten what friendship truly is. What we have here are titles. We are doctors, we are lawyers, we are pharmacists, we are teachers, we are engineers. Without these titles, we are nothing. Mankind has given us these titles, and we happily embrace mankind. We have given our hearts away so that the spirit of humanity may eternally smile upon us. Just like Julius Caesar who pledged his heart to Rome, are we not great for doing the same to the world? Yet, why is it that in the quietest of moments we feel regret, remorse, and pain? They have told us that to feel such things is a sign of God, for pain is a sign of healing. And we are sinners, so we must be punished for our crimes. But what were our crimes? We killed in the name of our lord, we became what our parents wanted us to be, we have amassed many riches, and our status is high and mighty. Yet, we still feel like criminals. Perhaps we have not slain enough. Shall, then, be the title of Crusader be dawned? Shall a march be incited upon the rest of the world who has caused evil by believing in another God? Is God angry at us for not fulfilling the great promise we made to our religion that all those against it shall be obliterated? We ask this to society, and it smiles back at us. It is the same loving smile we received when we became doctors, it is the same smile we received when we marched with Johnny and slew in the name of God, it is the same smile we received when we killed our souls and placed our hearts into the hands of mankind. And we turn our backs for a second to feel if there is a dark corner to creep into anymore, because for the first time in our lives we feel as though the darkness could possibly be more trustable than humanity’s smirks. A vision flashes before our eyes, and suddenly we remember what it means to Dream. We fall to our knees, and we cry a thousand tears as remorse fills our beings. And then like the birth of a star, something explodes inside our chest and we finally feel our hearts beating once again. It feels like we are back home, and there is finally a sense of peace in the dark chasm. We raise our heads to the sky, and we finally ask the estranged question: “Who am I?”
Ascension
Somewhere from the depths of the darkness, we have a dream as our bodies fall asleep. It is a strange feeling to dream once again after not having dreamt for so many years. It is evident that sleep was made so that humans could learn to listen to the beatings of their hearts and the messages that the great beyond has to deliver us, because we are far too ignorant in our waking hours to notice all of the beauty around us. In our dreams, Rainer Maria Rilke preaches:
I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
To awaken with such clarity is very strange because we are not accustomed to such a feeling. Yet, realize that there is an answer to the question. We know not what that answer is, but there is hope. Our journey takes us toward men who gave their souls to humanity, and we learn of Hitler who killed Jews to receive the favour of Germany, we learn of Hussein who killed in the name of god, we learn of the snakes of Enron who desired so much to be loved and accepted that they stole from the very home they belonged to. And then we learn of men like Gandhi, Malcolm X, and Martin Luther King, men who also pursued power. Yet, understandably, what differentiated them from the rest is that they gave the power back to the people- the power not over others, but the power to live a life free from others’ expectations. The pursuit of power over others had turned us evil. The pursuit of acceptance and approval caused us to do wicked things, and we always placed the blame on God. No, we are to blame. When King and Gandhi preached civil disobedience, they did not do it to have control or power over others, neither did they do it for acceptance.
They marched to the beat of their own drummer, as Thoreau would say. They led mankind to the very heart it rejected. They united the people for only a few moments so that they would realize that each and every single person mattered in each and every way. We read a letter written by Martin Luther King from a Birmingham prison, and we compare it to Mein Kampf. We realize that Hitler pursued power because he felt rejected by the world, by the art institutions, by the doctors, and by his own sexuality. King pursued power so that it may be given back to the people. Long live the King. We read the Iliad, and we saw Achilles fight for a woman taken from him. In his pursuit, he killed many people in the name of justice. So much blood had fallen, and Achilles was blinded by his own pursuit of power. We glance at the words of Sir Thomas Moore in Utopia, and we see a perfect world, and even this does not resonate with us. It seems as to the fire of mankind to grow, to learn, to accept challenge, has died because everybody has been assigned a role. In such a society, the people live for the people, by the people, from the people. We lived in such a manner once, and it did not give us a sense of fulfilment. And, of the most divine documents, we read over and over again the following words: Know Thyself. Alas, how can we know ourselves if the answer is never revealed to us whenever we ask it? Perhaps one day we shall find the answer, perhaps when we are ready. Somewhere off in the distance, the rain drops slowly across the black asphalt, and there is serenity. A calm peace fills our bones as we come closer to the answer, and the rain falls heavier. All of our lives, we have only seen caterpillars, but tonight is different because the streets are dark and empty. And, somewhere far off in the distance, there is a butterfly.
An answer exists, then! We travel quickly toward the Butterfly, and it notices us. It notices our struggle, yet it does not move. We travel far and long until our legs begin to ache. Hours pass until we are able to speak to the butterfly face to face. We ask it, “Oh Butterfly, how did you come to be? How did you break away and become so different than all of the rest? Do you know the answer to who I am?!!!!!!!!” To this, the butterfly replied, “To the first question, I came to be after I burst from my cocoon. To the second question, I had to be different because I dared not to live like any other. Only those who dare to live according to their own heart beat can become butterflies. The final question is forbidden territory for me, and I must never reveal to you who you are because who you are would only be my perception of who you could become. And what you could become is limitless. Goodbye.” We try to speak to this butterfly, but it flies away so fast that there is nothing we can do. We are reminded of the Bible:
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek; and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. [Matthew 7:7-8].
We have sought for so long, and even yet, there is no answer. We do not wish to pursue a power which absolutely corrupts us. We would rather pursue the power of knowing ourselves so that we may live a life filled with peace and clarity.
Baca selengkapnya……